


Letters from the line

by Alexasnow



Series: letters from the line [1]
Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, War Horse (2011), tomhiddleston
Genre: Death, F/M, Grief, Smut, Suicide, War, Work In Progress, a bit of smut with more to come, could use fleshing out, new concept i am trying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-03-07 23:13:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3186842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Nicholls to keep himself sane during such a harrowing time begins writing letters and soon discovers that a woman is receiving them and replying, could a friendship blossom or could this be more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Imagine my surprise when I discovered my letters were receiving an audience, I started writing them to keep my mind busy, as this place can push your mind to dark places without distraction, so I began writing these letters and I didn't know they got sent anywhere and I am amazed someone wants to read me waffling on about life on the front lines, I am glad of the company, someone to read my ramblings.  
I have been here for months now which is more than I can say for unfortunate comrades, well if you have read my previous letters you know we have suffered heavy casualties, I hate this place, no one belongs here but I guess just in case my last letter was the only one you received or were inclined to read, I will give you a back story, firstly were are my manners I must introduce myself my name is Captain Nicholls, and I was conscripted into service, I have no sweetheart at home as I never found the time to start a romance despite being a romantic, irony for you.   
I had brothers join up whom were shipped out to France, I have heard nothing of them, this leaves me to fear the worse, I will try to not be too morose but this is war and war is horrific for those on the front lines, I wonder what your experience is of it back home?, I hope your somewhere safe, no one should have to experience this hell but I digress.   
I went to war for the same reasons as most men, to serve my country, for honor, for glory, this is for your eyes only. But when I got here there was no glory, no honor, I see a lot of fear as the whizzing of bullets rarely stops and you always wonder if one of them has your name upon it. I have lost so many of my brothers out here that I have stopped getting to know my fellow soldiers, I don’t ask their names or personal questions, you think me callous?, I cannot take the pain of loss as it is all to swift and indiscriminate here. So to survive hell, what must I become?, must I lose my humanity, will I be forever changed?, well how could I not be changed, I have already seen too much, I will not disturb you with the gory details as no one should have the need to picture such violent images.   
I imagine your eyes are kind, and you’re here with me at times, no in the literal sense as I would wish this on no soul but just watching over me, I will send my picture to you when I get the chance I have always been told I am a handsome fellow but I do not buy into it but you can obviously decide for yourself. We are moving away from the line, I may survive this yet, I hope to hear from you soon and I hope to write to you when time permits, for now watch over me and I am glad you’re here. I imagine your smile is one that reaches your eyes and takes away some of my suffering. Watch over me tonight.

From your Captain Nicholls

 

A lot has changed since we last conversed, I am now on a mission of the details I cannot share due to secrecy but I now am with a regiment, for the first time in months I can learn people’s names, and what a group they are, I can even afford the luxury of sleep and privacy at times. They are a loud, rowdy group but they are all brave and reliable men, I trust them with my life and not just because I have to, their humor is not that of my own but they do make me laugh, it is a joy to be around them, and it feels safer knowing who these people are.  
Most of them have normal day jobs and never imagined being a part of something this big, most of us feel fear at times but it is understood and never diminished, any man who came here without fear would not be a man I wanted on my team, fear keeps us alert and has saved our lives several times thus far.   
A group of German soldiers would have snuck up on us had we not be conscious of every sound around us, it happened so quickly, a roar of gun fire followed by orders shouted in German, we got the jump on them, I wondered as I watched the light go out of one man’s eyes, were they like us?, as it is all to easy to call them the enemy and not think of them as human being with lives and families, as it would eat you alive, the guilt, so we think in black and white terms of its them or us, I know you may have the luxury to think otherwise but sadly we do not, so they must remain nameless and faceless so if they haunt our dreams they can only do so in the form of an unknown horror.   
We must hold on to our sanity, I have seen a few men lose themselves to the nightmare, it is heart breaking to watch as they go from happy young men to crazed frightened mad men who normally fear death so much that they end it on their own terms. I apologize for the discussion of such traumatic circumstances but I feel I must get these atrocities down on paper so no one will glorify this hellish place.  
I am pleased to hear that you are safe and that life moves forward for you, I am glad you liked my picture, I am flattered you think me so handsome, I am hoping at some point you feel comfortable enough to send me one, it is not required however so do not feel pressed to do so. It is my turn to go on watch; I hope to hear from you soon.

From your Captain Nicholls

 

I finally get the chance to write you again and one of the men walked in and as a fool does I told them of you, and they have been ripping me every chance they get, mainly with vulgar notions, they keep asking me to ask you obscene questions, most seem to pertain to the size of your, erm rack as they are Americans, I apologize for their boorish nature.  
However now they have led my mind astray I feel like a hormonal teenage boy, I have begun to fantasize about you, and I apologize for what I write next, I implore you to not read on and recall only our polite conversing, however if you do read on know this, it is lonely out here and we haven’t only been away from home for so long but women also, I miss the beauty of women, their laughter, their sweet nature and their strength, a woman would know what to say at times when words have failed me, their minds work so intriguingly different and yet the same.   
And I apologize for my words but when I have found privacy, my thoughts have turned to you, I have dreamt of you.  
I am alone, should you be of a gentle disposition you may care to halt reading at this point as I can’t help but tell you as I would love a response but again I don’t expect one.

I hold my length in my hand, stroking my shaft, I imagine your breasts are wonderful to behold, I lick your hardened nipples lightly, I proceed to suck at them in turn hard enough to hear you cry out my name, I grow harder at the very thought, I quicken my pace and tighten my grip, my head is slick and wet, I pump my self more harshly as I feel the pleasure building, I imagine you riding me, groaning as we both work ourselves to orgasm, oh god I am close, I imagine cuming inside you, I shiver with delight, as I imagine you so tight around my cock, so wet for me, oh god it has been too long, I hold back a groan of pleasure as I release my come over the floor. I imagine after we hold each other, blissful in the afterglow, I would kiss you softly, then we would fall asleep in each other’s arms.

These thoughts fill me with desire and comfort, as imagine sleeping in with you in my arms, I will if you share my desire continue to tell you of my thoughts, when I am able to find time to have them, I know you must think should this not be the last thing on my mind but I disagree, I need some sense of normality to function. If you do not wish me to share such private thoughts I will return to our lovely polite conversing, either way I would delight in hearing from you.  
I hope these coarse words will not stop you reading my letters, as I enjoy reading of home and what goes on for you, I hope they will not stop, but it was like an escape for these precious moments I have been thinking of you, I have forgotten this hell, and I have felt normal for a time, I hope you will continue to write, you make me smile and without you I feel I would forget how, I thank you for time, your kindness and I thank you for giving me that tiny piece of normality.

As Always your Captain Nicholls


	2. continued

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Nicholls continues to Write to the unknown woman.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you had written back to me, not only one letter but 10, thank you, I know I can’t go back to be being a bashful innocent man after my previous letter months ago but your response had me blushing, I must confess that I expected you would not write again lest respond in the same vein, I don’t know what to say, I haven’t had the time to enjoy your words with the passion they deserve as we are in what they refer to as the calm before the storm. All in eerily quiet and still, this is sadly not a good sign as one might hope, no bombs, no bullets, no sound, I never thought silence could be so deafening and bring such a heaviness with it. But I feel that heaviness, the tensions so thick you could cut it with a knife, we lay in wait for that sound, that unholy hail of bullets and artillery to rain back down upon us, it as if we collectively hold our breath, I am even careful to write so quietly as I am convinced someone is listening, my hand is painful and rigid as white knuckled I hold to my pen and rifle, one for safety the other for sanity.  
I hope I will have time soon to reply to your intriguing response, please continue to watch over me, tonight more than ever.

Always yours Captain Nicholls

I bring you bad news, our major was killed in the cross fire of our last fire fight, it is a great loss to us, he was a great leader and we tried to give him the respect he deserved, we buried him, I had to write his name and place a stick cross, as I could not bare the thought of him being buried in a nameless grave forgotten. I will remember his sacrifice, he was brave, never asked anything of us he wouldn't do himself, he was a leader that inspired you, kept up your morale, I do not know who we will turn to now that he has left a void. I wish he was here as none of us know what to say, he had a way with words, always captured the moment so well, we all just looked to each other and fell silent. I had to say something, I couldn't leave this tragic moment unmarked, so I said what I could of him and hoped his strength would remain with us while we pressed on. As sadly we do not have time to grieve his passing lest we want to join him. Staying still too long is dangerous for us and others should our mission fail. So with heavy hearts we push forward, no one is saying it but he is missed, I still look to him to only realize once more he is gone, the reminder is a cold and harsh reality here, people die and sometimes it takes time to register that they are gone, the recall only serves to lowers the morale, which at this point appears to be in the gutter. No one speaks really, everyone has that look, am I next?. I feel it to and I wonder when my death shot will sound and who will remember me and all we are doing here. I don’t want us to be forgotten and left among the many unknown soldiers, unburied, just left on the battle field, left at the site of your death, left to rot, the thought saddens me, all of those brave men fighting for freedom, so I began when I had the chance to bury any soldiers of ours that I found left alone on fields, roads and in desolate buildings, it was strangely comforting to show what respect I could for the fallen when I had the chance, I am unsure if it settles the nerves of my regiment but they do not seem set to go against me. I think they understand why I am doing this and they find comfort in it as well, as we would like to think that someone would do this for us should we fall.  
It appears that after some discussion that I am now the highest ranking officer, this is the worse way in which I have ever received a promotion, it should be a great honor but I hate to say it feels more like a great burden upon my shoulders, people are now looking to me and depending on me to decide, their lives are in my hands, I do not like how this feels, it is a great responsibility that I fear I am not ready for but they have faith in me and for the first time in weeks everyone looks happier, they trust me, oh god they trust me with their lives, I don’t know how to feel about that it’s a mixture of honor and fear, only they are told of the honor and to you I reveal the fear, as I have to be strong for them now. I have to show them the way. I am glad of you, that I can confide my truth in you and that you do not judge me for it, can you be strong for me?, I think I need you to be, so I can take up my predecessors mantel with the integrity he demonstrated. I think I can do it if you are with me, your support through this nightmare has been immeasurable, I love how you know just like he did you know what to say to lift my spirits.

Always yours Captain Nicholls

The first mission on which I take point, which effectively puts me in charge begins tomorrow, I feel a mix of dread and pride, I never imagined getting my own command, I only wanted to be one of the many fighting for freedom. This is what I have to remind myself, every time I wake up in this nightmare; I am protecting what we all hold dear. As without freedom is it worth living?. If just one freedom falls they all follow soon after. Do you appreciate what we do over here, our sacrifice?, I know you’re not in the midst of it and I am glad of that but how do you feel about the hell we suffer day and night?. Do people even care?, Do you judge what we must do?. I do not mean to pry or force answers you do not wish to give but I feel compelled to ask these questions, as I ask them of myself every day and night, so I thought I would step out of my own head and pose these questions to another, in the hope that you understand that it is difficult for us to be here and what we must do haunts us, it is such a struggle, inner turmoil, I can only tell you, as if I uttered a word of my musing to my fellow soldiers they would think I had slipped into madness, so I ask you my only connection to the real world, my only Link to home. I wonder where in this hell my brothers have ended up, I pray they are OK, as I have heard nothing, I hope the old adage is true, no news is good news.  
I dread the idea of having others’ lives in my hands but I have no choice it falls to me to fill the major’s shoes, I hope I am able.

Always yours Captain Nicholls


	3. good spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Nicholls finally in brief good spirits has found time to respond to the early racy letter and has a few fantasies of his own.

I find that I want to hold back from saying this due to silly superstition and considering this cruel environment, can hope truly survive here, I am unsure, most living things don’t. Here goes, things for the most part seem to be going in our favour, my command is respected and revered. I worry this will not continue when things turn ill, as often with war, victory can be hollow when you see what you must do to get it, knowledge in this case maybe power but ignorance is bliss, I can see all the casualties, yes we live on which is our daily goal, survive. I wonder what your daily goals are?, I pray they differ greatly from mine.

I re-read your previous response; I finally found time to savor your delightfully titillating words and suggestions. I would like to add a few of my own if I may, on any given night when I turn my thoughts to you my desires change, sometimes I crave your touch, in a romantic gentle way, other times such as now my need is less romantic in nature and more wanton. If I should take you to my bed tonight it would be with gentle force.

I feel a mild sense of embarrassment continuing upon this line of thought. As I have with no partner indulged this need and desire, I have felt compelled to only be ever the romantic, I feel I have been pigeonholed into one way of being, people are more complex, our needs change and evolve, and at times our needs our different. I hope you share this need and understand, this isn't violence or power, this is merely a lustful passion, of which wants me to take you now.

I shall share my reoccurring fantasy. I stand behind you, wrapping my hand around your hair and pull it gentle down, so your forced to arch back into me, now I have the best view, I order to you to strip slowly, enjoying the visual as each layer is finally removed, my breath grows heavy, gently I trace the line of your neck with my tongue, nipping each fresh patch of skin, I pull your hair lightly so I can repeat this on the opposite side. I slide my free hand over your breast, your nipple hardens upon my feathery touch, I grope lightly, building the pressure, you groan in appreciation. I release your hair, spinning you to face me, I back you on to the bed, pushing you up to the pillows. You are a vision, I drink you in, grabbing the back of your neck I press my weight on top of you, kissing you hungrily. I pull away and pull myself down to breast level and I spend a considerable amount of time, sucking each nipple harshly, your groans spur me on, I suck as hard as I can, I slide my fingers between your legs, you arch up to meet my hand, your dripping wet, my fingers slip but they find your clit, you moan as I begin to finger your clit. I slide a finger inside, then two, you beg me continue, I quicken my fingers pace inside you, your close, I can feel and hear it, as my ears are delighted by your cries of ecstasy as you come, you are a sight to behold in the throes of your orgasm. I am more than pleasing you and it hardens my cock to its full length to know this, I feel my cock throb, I cannot hold back, I slam my ready cock deep inside you to the hilt, pulling back with ease, your so wet for me. I slam in again, you beg me to fuck you harder, I am thrilled by your request and I comply without a second thought, I fuck you fast and hard with a lustful sense of urgency. I can feel my cock hardening and your walls tighten to add to the pleasure, you’re so tight, I can’t hold back, I need to come, I feel my release hard, groaning as my cock throbs in the after throws of passion. I must kiss your lips softly now. We lay sweaty in the afterglow of sex, and then we hold each other until slumber takes us.

I know this is pushing the bounds of propriety, and I humbly apologies for where my mind takes me, but at times my fantasy world is the only place I can retreat to that takes me away from here, you make me feel like I am at home and safe, before I recall my real surroundings is the nicest feeling, but the reality always dawns upon me heavily. So having this be my current fantasy that I can’t shake from my mind, has been enjoyable and a wonderful distraction. So as I share this with you I hope you feel the urge to pleasure yourself to this thought, I want you share in my fantasy, be a part of it, and I want you to continue to be my rock, my sanity and when time allows my fantasy. I hope that you will continue to write after I have shared this with you. I hope this letter finds you well and that you take it to bed with you later, so that I am with you, whether you groan my name, embrace me or pray for me, just have me close.

Always yours Captain Nicholls


	4. new recruits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some new unexpected recruits have joined the regiment.

I can with certainty assume that you have never seen the field of battle, when the battle rages on things happen to fast and loud for you to take in the full impact of the horror. It is only in the aftermath that you can bear witness to the death and destruction war brings. Bodies litter the red ground, no building is untouched by the destruction, the silence and stillness is eerie, nothing moves, nothing left alive but a small lucky or unlucky few.

I do feel an empathy toward the paratroopers we saw jumping in yesterday as so many of them barely even get to ground, it is a horror to watch planes full of soldiers blow up before a jump, watching hundreds of them go up in flames before they were able to aid us on the ground, not that we are any safer. Just watching them falling mid-air painfully slow, a moving target caught in the heavy cross fire, or caught in an explosion it is nightmare to watch. Best that some of them could hope for was to reach the ground before they realized what they had jumped into sometimes that gave the enemy enough time to pick them of off, precious few survived. So a few have joined our regiment as theirs had been killed before the rest had a chance to jump, so we greet three new soldiers under bad circumstance but its war there is no good circumstance. They are unfortunately not of a higher rank which means I must remain in charge and now of someone else’s men with our objective, of which we can’t inform them. They were happy to see us as they didn't even have weapons if we had been the enemy they wouldn't have stood much of a chance.

They are so young it is hard to refer to them as men, one of them clearly lied about his age an in the desperation for soldiers they allowed this child to come to war and now he is under my command. I feel the responsibility to return this child home to his parents who are probably destroyed to know their child is in this hell, he is only 15, the look in his eyes is pure fear. I have heard him cry at night, I do what I can to lift his morale but I cannot be his father or his friend I am his commanding officer, it pains me to hold such distance from others but it is safer for myself and them that I remain an authority figure. And that they remain soldiers, no longer friends, it makes it again a very lonely place, thank god I have you, we laugh and joke but I see how they hush when I walk by at times, I can take it. get constant ribbing for my accent and the way I say things, I know this is because they are at ease with me, as long as they listen to my orders in combat they can say what they like.

On the note of the enemy yesterday we ran into German soldiers, we had the jump on them, the worst of it was one man begging for his life, you could see the fear in his eyes, it’s easier when they are faceless but I had to execute him. If I had let him go god know what would have happened, he could have told the enemy of our position or snuck up on us when we slept, I would take no such risk. It seems some of my soldiers do not agree with what I did as one said there was no need to put him down like a dog, his words stung but I stand by my choice, they argued amongst each other, majority on my side. I had to pull them apart and state in no uncertain terms that “my regiments safety comes first, mercy could cost lives there is no room for it”.  
This part I only tell you, I can only be so human to survive here, and to make decisions I must be cold and calculating, caring will only skew my judgement and my men deserve the best I can give, no matter how much of myself I have to give up.

You can tell the new additions to our regiment aren't used to the hail of constant gun fire as they constantly exclaim whatever profanity comes to mind. We have been here that long that we are unflinching, they are so on edge any shell makes them jump, they hopefully won’t become accustom to it. They are Americans, I am the only Englishman and I am in charge not sure if they are happy about that but I don’t have time to think about it, and even if I did I wouldn't give it thought as it wouldn't aid my command. We found them weapons, so when we move out today we will see how well they were trained. I know my thoughts have been scattered in this letter but that it how things are at the moment, so many thoughts run through my mind and you’re the only one I can share them with, I think I am starting to love you as your letters are the bright part of any given day and when I haven’t got a new one to read I read old letters you sent. I hope this declaration doesn't shock or upset you. I hope you are starting to care for me as much as I care for you. No matter the answer I hope you keep writing as there as so many demands upon me having you to share my burden with makes it bearable.

Always yours Captain Nicholls.


	5. darker days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things as they often do in war have taken a turn for the worse.

They fight well the new additions to our regiment, sadly, as I expected the boy is the exception, he is frightened out of his wits, overwhelmed by the bloodshed and proximity to death, his fear is visible. I worry as the look I see on his face I have seen before, he doesn't sleep he is afraid to, he can't focus, when he sleeps he wakes up screaming, upon realizing where he is he begins to cry.  
This is hard enough for a grown man, this is no place for a child, he like me had visions of glory but the reality was a waking nightmare, I can see it is tearing him apart but nothing we say gets through. He almost got blown to pieces by a grenade, we screamed at him to move but it was as if he couldn't hear us or see us, one of my men against my direct order dragged him out barely.  
He is a liability to my soldiers, I fear for him and them, he can't survive here and selfishly I wonder how many of us will get caught in the wake of his ever growing madness. He doesn't speak, we must drag him along with us, as if we leave him his death isn't only likely it's guaranteed.  
We are in the middle of nowhere so we can't take him anywhere to send him home, so he remains our responsibility at the risk of our lives, we are his careers and bodyguards, I know some of the men resent it and I understand why, they look to me now to know what to do.  
I can't snap him out of this, I feel he has drifted further and further away with each passing day, I feel helpless, I feel ashamed admitting this but my mind is blank, I do not know how to save him or protect my men from him. What can I do?, abandon him, my conscience won't allow it.  
So I am at a loss, this is not what I imagined being a commander entailed. This is too much responsibility and pressure, everything is down to me, they constantly defer to my judgement, they do so now and I have nothing. I wish you could tell me what to do?, but I fear I can only share my frustrations and fears with you. My heart is heavy and my mind is in overdrive, I am struggling to rest even when we get the chance. My love for you and respect of your opinion keeps me going. I will have to make a decision soon. Pray for him. He needs it more than I.

Always your Captain Nicholls.

We have lost another man, he disappeared in an instant of red mist, which has driven the boy over the edge, as the blood splatter coated his face, he blames himself, I can not comfort him as he was at fault, and now he won't stop screaming, we can barely hear him over the shells and bullets flying, but I see the suffering etched into his face, his mouth open wide, frozen in a scream, it is a haunting image to behold.  
We didn't have time to grieve we had to keep fighting, only when the hail of bullets halted were we able to bow our heads for our fallen comrade, there was no body to bury, he deserved better, my stomach turned as the sight flashed before my eyes again when I closed them briefly to pray, I had to pray with my eyes open, I meant no disrespect but the image was burnt into my mind along with the persistent look of terror upon the boys face. He is still screaming, his screams fade as his exhaustion gets the better of him, we are glad of the peace, my ears could not block out the screams, it wouldn't fade into the background, it pierced our damaged ears.  
He didn't rest long but long enough for us to forget briefly the sound of his petrified screams, they begin again, our ears now also invaded, what won't this place take, it takes peace of mind, it invaded your mind waking and at rest, there is no escape, we are apart of this hell, are our souls stained by this nether world. This can't be earth this surely is hell, claiming soul after soul.

I apologize for my sullen words but things are looking bleak, morale is none existent. Soldiers are calling for the boys head, I am almost afraid to ask what is next?, can it be worse?, I hope not. Pray for us all as we struggle to survive mentally and psychically. Hold me tonight. If we should survive this foul place, we should meet, pondering this has been a light in deepest darkest abyss.

Always yours Captain Nicholls

How do you hold a group together when they are losing hope fast and worse still appear to be losing the will to live. How do I find it for them?, is it possible for another to give you that will?, I barely hold on to my own how do I find extra for them.  
After finding that poor child dying by his own hand, crying for his mother, he died in my arms during a cease fire, it should have been a time to celebrate, or rest, but it was not for me or my regiment, the hell continued. It was during the deathly silence when it all became too much for him, he couldn't be here, he didn't belong here, he screamed over and over, he whimpered for his mother with his dying breath.  
The regiment wasn't witness to this horror, I noted his absence and I went looking for him, I found him away from the others. I pleaded with him to not do it, but I didn't have the words to sway him, he was too far gone, he shot himself but the angle was off as he hesitated last minute but it was too late, the gun fired, echoing around us, silence then he began to scream in pain, so I had to hear his anguished screams, knowing there was nothing I could do, before he quietly whimpered into my uniform, slowly fading away, I couldn't protect him, I couldn't save him and now his mother would know the agony shared by many.

I felt overwhelmed in that moment, I allowed myself to feel and it was soul destroying, I held him close, and screamed, it may have been a cease fire but it was one of my worst moments. Burying him, I had no words; there was nothing I could say. That stony silence said it all.

Always yours Captain Nicholls


	6. she is revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to hear from the woman of whom he has been writing.

I see the looks they cast as I walk by, they whisper and silence when I pass by, their faith in me in hanging by a thread, their eyes question me. Now I second guess every decision, they don't trust me, I feel so isolated. Another man was lost on our mission following my orders, the guilt weighs heavily upon me, I never wanted to have this responsibility, I didn't ask to be in charge.  
Their whispers echo in the broken down building we shelter in, my heart sinks with every cold stare, I am buckling under the pressure they put upon me, every decision is mine, I take so many risks but only with my life, I cannot have another death upon my conscience, the blood is on my hands, it won't come off, God help me.

Love Captain Nicholls

I know it has been some time since I have written to you, I am drained, I have been trying my best to remove what risk I can, obviously all risk cannot be removed it is a war zone, but anything I can manage alone I do so, if it means missing another night of sleep I will do it, I must consider every possibility and sometimes that takes hours, the perfect assault, minus causalities.  
But it is impossible, we have lost two more soldiers, this is all on me, one man died in the night, in silent agony, you expect a shot man to scream holly hell, but he was silent, we only discovered this in the morning when we couldn't wake him, he was stone cold, he died so quietly, without a word, unremarked, we bury another, I am so sick of making graves, I have no more rousing speeches or kind words, no platitudes left, I am angry, god damn it, take me will you, I have been here too long, I will trade me life for there's, but no I go on. The second man was dragged under the treads of a German tank, I can still hear his screams, I feel sick. I cannot prepare for the unexpected, this in war is a daily occurrence, I couldn't save them.  
Good men must become killing machines, we must give up a part of us that makes us human, then every day we are here, we sacrifice not only our lives but our souls, I feel like my mind is fuzzy, everything feels so strange. After 33 months, I didn't even think I would survive day one, never mind be here for almost three years, I didn't think the war would last so long, so many lives lost, it’s August 1945, so I am told, will this go on forever?.

From Captain Nicholls

The war is over, I can scarcely believe it. I should be ecstatic but I received news today, my brothers all three of them died in service to our country, each letter read the same, the words brought no comfort. Yes I had three brothers, I didn't want to talk of them though fear of this being the case, and worse still my family is gone, a bomb destroyed my home town, I am alone. Very few from our unit survived, some died under my command, others after we parted ways, why am I alive?, how did I survive well everyone around me dropped like flies?, I would love to believe you were my guardian angel but as much as I want this to be so, it isn't.  
I hear what is left of my unit, which is sadly also a small number, talking about going home to their families, they are smiling, hugging each other, drinking and celebrating, I feel so disconnected, I have no one waiting for me, I am alone. I sit here and question why did I deserve to survive?, when so many good men did not, I can still see them all, there faces, my brothers and my brothers in arms, and I am haunted by them, they follow me, they whisper, it’s so loud, I can’t get away. I relive their deaths over and over in my mind, flashes of the horror and bloodshed play before me as if I was still there, maybe I am still there on the line, maybe I died and am playing this out to comfort my passing.  
That fear, the humanity I can scarcely recall on day one, now I am numb, I don’t feel anything. I am bad luck for everyone related to me, everyone touched by me is in grave peril, you should probably avoid meeting me like we planned, I will only cause you pain. Do not wait for me to return, I need to go, I am sorry, I know what we shared and all that could have been, but I cannot have these ghosts follow me to you and poison that memory for me, they whisper, my unit, all of them, they talk about me, I couldn't save them, why did I survive?.

I hope you can be happy and celebrate, I find I can’t and spending time around others has become tiring, it takes too much out of me, so I wish you well in this supposed new free world.

Captain Nicholls

I hate to take over from Nicholls as I am not the adept poetic writer that he was, I do not have a way with words, I must confess a part of me did not wish to see him this way but I feel I owe him something, as the time we shared was a part of my life I treasure and when he returned home safe I thought we would meet and possibly it may lead somewhere so sadly I know this is not the case now. After his final letter I grew worried and when his communications ceased all together I was frightened for him, he had sounded so down and erratic that I feared for his safety.  
I tracked him down after pain staking months of leads going cold, sadly every lead was about him getting in to drunken fights, violence and aggression, this wasn't the Nicholls I knew, so grew more panicked at every new piece of information but I finally found him. The doctors at the facility are telling me he has what is referred to as shell shock, so many doctors tell me depressing and horrific diagnosis’s, they tell me he is not there anymore, that captain Nicholls is gone, but I refuse to believe them I must see him for myself.  
Other professional refer to him as insane, they use many terms I do not know, but I fear they all refer to the loss of his mind. They talk to me as if I am stupid, I just smile and nod bite my tongue as I am not here for them but him. I finally get to see him and it is a bitter sweet agony as I see flashes of that early polite, kind man I fell for, yes I know its strange but I fell for him, in all of his writing, the honesty, the passion and the kindness.  
He sits before me present and polite, offering me tea, when someone drops plates in the next room the clatter is barely audible in this room but Nicholls hears it, jumping out of his skin, he begins to scream, the terror in his eyes will be forever etched in to my memory. I felt afraid but I understood his fear was greater than mine, I held him as he sobbed out the names of his comrades like a mantra, as if he didn't want to forget them, he relaxes in my arms, falling into a quiet catatonic state, well that’s what the doctors said. He silently sat staring into space for the rest of our visit but I know he felt me holding on to his hand as when I let go he looked to me, eyes vacant of emotion but he still registered the world around him. It broke my heart to see him this way but I want to keep seeing him as they tell me he has no visitors his entire family was lost to this awful war, I must watch over this gentle soul.

I visited Nicholls again, he remembered me this time, I was so happy I was floating on air. Only to come crashing down when he tells me he hears them whispering to him, telling him the doctors are ex Nazis and they are trying to poison him, so he hasn't eaten in days, as he is convinced it’s not safe. I close my eyes for a moment as he continues I choke back the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes but as he continues they fall down my cheeks. He is such a good man; it pains me to see him so broken. Despite the pain, I will keep coming to see him and I will let you know in the best way I can of what I hope will be progress, he deserves to come home, he could say it better than I but I will continue what he started, if only to show the world what war does to those involved, it is not glorious, it is torture.

Love Kathryn


	7. final letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kathyn writes her final letters, we also here from members of Captain Nicholls regiment

I do not know if it is progress I see or my wishful thinking, but today the captain made eye contact and he seemed aware that the war had ended, he did not seem enthused by this memory, but then he hadn't been at the time. I tell him of how rationing has continued, but we all do OK, I also tell him of the talk of creating a national health service, all these changes, and some for the better, he talks about his day, and how enjoyed his walk earlier, maybe next time I should join him.  
He smiles at me, that dashing sweet smile that still has the power to make me feel nervous, he is handsome, I can't help but see it and briefly I think back to those nights that I longed for him to take me, his passionate thoughts invaded my mind, I shouldn't have been so bold, I still held hope for us in the recess of my mind, I thought I had set it free.

Before we parted ways, I kissed him softly, it did not receive the response I was hoping for, he cried into my arms, it was so gentle, the resulting emotion threw me, I didn't know what to think but I held him close.  
I left with a foolish feeling of hope that I allowed into my mind, but he was lucid and present my entire visit, this gave me a different hope, hope for him, to finally come home and have a normal life, whatever that is.  
I smile as I write this as upon my next visit we go for that walk, the grounds are beautiful, we hold hands, then we sat outside in the sun, he looked so peaceful. That storm and battle raging in his mind, seems to have quieted, I lay my head upon his shoulder, it was comfortable, he placed his arm around me.

"Kathryn" he said.

"Was there a chance for us?" He sounds wistful, far away, it’s a strange feeling.

I smiled. "Of course there was"

"I love you still Kathryn, do you still feel love for me?"

"I do indeed; I fell for you faster than a teenager with her first crush"

His smiles to himself, his cheeks a bit flushed, he even looks dashing embarrassed. "I love you Kathryn, you know how much your letters meant to me, how much you mean to me"

He holds me tighter to him. “Yes I do, I remember when I found your letters, at first I thought I was silly to reply but after your first response I was so glad I did, and I am glad to be in your life"

This conversation put me in great spirits. We enjoyed each other's company and hugged each other, his embrace was tight, he held on longer than usual, he almost stole my breath.

Love Kathryn

It took me many years to write this final letter as I grieve his loss still, I still recall that phone call I could barely believe it was true, how had he procured the means with which to take his life I will never understand, did they not watch him?, I would share his last words but I cannot they are mine alone, for my eyes only.  
You know how I longed for a happy ending first for us then for him alone but sadly this is a cruel world and things do not always end well for good people. A sad fact, I must ask you to accept what took me years to consider and process. I was furious for years as you saw with me his steady improvement or maybe I saw want I wanted to, but I know I saw the light in his eyes, that must of been masking that pain from clear view, I was too hopeful, I blamed myself for the longest time how did I not see it. I now understand that he could never forgive himself for surviving, I hope he finds peace in the next life that could not find here.

Even with all the time that has passed, I find my emotions rush to the surface, the tears burn my eyes, as he now watches over me, I take flowers to his grave and I always recall him on what is now known as remembrance day, the hell he suffered to ensure our freedom breaks my heart, I forever grateful for his huge sacrifice and grateful more so for the time I got to spend with him.

Love Kathyn

Surviving members of Captain Nicholls regiment still living were asked to give there thoughts however brief on Captain Nicholls. These letters are in the order we received them.

Mrs Barton:  
My Husband survived due to Captain Nicholls Bravery, he described him sometimes as crazed mad man who he was glad was on our side. I have been told so much about him, he sounds like he was a good soul who got lost over there, and never really got to come home. His death was a great loss to us all.

Private Gallaway:  
I was asked to write what I thought of Captain Nicholls, he was an amazing Captain, we were lucky the command passed to him. He was intelligent and smart in his tactics; no one could have done better in those circumstances.  
He was strong for us but he was strong for too long, he broke and no one could pick up the pieces sadly. I went to see him in the mental facility, he didn't remember me at first but before I left I saw that light of recognition in his eyes, as he saluted, then hugged me whilst saying goodbye.  
I could see it was painful for him to remember me, as he didn’t want to go back there, and the doctors told me not to trigger him, whatever that is, so I kept the conversation light, and I know he appreciated that. I was going to visit him again but before I could go back he was gone. The world lost a good man that day.

 

Private Barton:  
I have been asked to give my account of Captain Nicholls, what can I say, he was the most gentle soul, who had command forced upon him, he was an amazing Captain it saddens me to know how much he blamed himself, we never said a bad word about him.  
We did begin to worry when he seemed to have a death wish, well more than most can have in a war zone, he actively sought out risk. I was sad to hear that he had passed and the manner of his passing grieved me greatly. He couldn't take the pain any longer, he was in hell to long, and it destroyed him. Not many from our unit survived but I knew all of them, Nicholls was respected and held in high regard, I love the British accent and because of this I met my lovely wife. I owe my life and meeting my wife to him, he inspired me to be a romantic.

Nicholls was on the line longer than most soldiers I know, he did not get any reprieve, he was in hell for almost 3 years, he was also one of the only volunteers I knew, the majority were conscripted. His mother lost all of her sons to the war, then she and her husband died in an explosion. Tragedy struck many family’s harshly, in some cases an entire family was wiped out, as with poor Captain Nicholls, he lost everyone.

I did not find out about Captain Nicholls death until long after it had occurred, I did not know he was in facility for the mentally ill, had I known I would have gone to see him, I do not know if it would of helped him but it would of helped me, he could of met my wife and my son and I could of thanked him, but it was not to be, so every remembrance day, me, my wife and my son and Gallaway remember him, as he was, that posh ever so appropriate, brave Captain.

We finally got to meet that girl the Captain wrote to religiously, Katheryn, we got to read a few of his letters, it was nice but painful to recall all we went through, and thanks to Katheryn we always will have a part of him, I was proud to know him, proud to serve under him, and ever since I found out about what he went through after he got home, I and my family have done all we can for PTSD charities and sufferers alike.


End file.
